Leaving You.. Again

So yesterday, I left you and Mariana... again.

Leaving you and my daughter the first time was a bit surreal and definitely unpredictable. Only being gone a week and the massive overwhelming new amount of information keeping me busy 25 hours a day, combined with the fact I was only gone for a week, didn't exactly illuminate the full breadth of pain that was to come. Then came the inevitable and even longer leaving, 2 weeks alone in my new "home", Santa Monica. The joy and excitement of this phenominal opportunity was almost immediately soured and underscored by the realization that you and my daughter weren't there. Evey morning I arose under a shadow of a bit of depression.

That was a silly premise for yesterday. After spending a couple of weeks away from you and Mariana I returned to your moms house truly feeling like a stranger. I was at odds with a bout of insecurities because I wasn't the focal center of attention. I was a tad bitter at all the attention you were giving your mom, Tim, and Keith. Childish jealousy? You don't say. ;) This propelled the bad feelings. It was an odd situation. I felt like I was seriously just a visitor. I apologize for the bitterness that ensued.

All that leads up to the fact that leaving you again, made me feel even more like an odd man out and outsider. This weekend will be exactly what we need, some time alone. Some time to remind me that I'm yours and you're mine. Even though Mariana won't be there, some time together, even if chaotic in the midst of a unpacking frenzy, will an invaluable paradise. So, all that said, this is just passing feelings I didn't know would happen and admittedly derive from my own internal loneliness and feelings like this is my move and not my family's move. This weekend will hopefully work to remedy those silly feelings.

Oh baby, how I miss you so much. Hurry up and get down here. Make this my home, and give me my life back. I love you, and I thought you were owed an explanation after my actions over the weekend. Please forgive me, and come spend a weekend with your hubby!

Your Jed.

California makes me appreciate Boulder

Oh boy what I wouldn't give for another weekend in Boulder. I can picture it, a trip to Whole Foods for breakfast and coffee, taking Mariana to the park for a bike ride, followed by a movie at the theaters and finally dinner at say.... Turley's. But let me tell you, all those things would be empty without you and Mariana. Boulder was Boulder because of you, not because of Boulder.

That said, today as the business and the responsibilities of finding a house come to a close, I sit in silent solitude, contemplating you and my baby daughter. I can't wait to see you, and I hope you don't think that's an idle thing I'm saying, I literally can't wait. I will be one happy, happy man, flying home this coming weekend!

So what can I say about the places I saw? Meh. That's the overall word. Meh. So perhaps California is the best place in the world to live. For sure, there's millions of immigrants and is the heaviest populated American city, but from what I gather, the beautiful life is only up for grabs if you have the big bucks. The Venice canals and so many beautiful areas of Santa Monica seemingly are in areas with the worst schools. Ugh, what a blow. How can such a beautiful and wealthy area carry such little value for a valuable, quality education. Perhaps another testement to our long term goal of moving to Europe for Mariana's education, and I suppose I'm on the right track for that.

Past that, overall I guess I'm pretty happy, or about as happy as you could be without the fabric of your genuine happiness. So I guess a ghost lives in this apartment, a lost wanderer, searching for nothing, as the greatest possession is already won, it's just a thousand miles away. This ghost moves about this hustling and bustling city, alone, in spirit and in fulfillment. Perhaps California will truly be the magical city it's labeled as as soon as it's dazzled with the joyous faces of my two girls.

You're loving and dedicated hubby, signing off and blowing you long traveling blowed kisses.