It's been over 2 months since I left home and made it out west to California, and seemingly my fixation and obsession with Colorado has yet to weaken. I pride myself in seeing the genuine consequences of situations and decisions, and I have yet to fully comprehend the broad and vast consequences of my actions. Daily seemingly, I'm exposed to more horrific images and scenes of humanity. If materialism and self-interest were social issues needing attention in Colorado, it is a fervent fundamentalist religion here, where all bow, all pray to the almighty self.

Of the most painful deficiencies I joust with, is a major lack of community. Californians care about no one other than themselves. Just yesterday I passed by a car with a young person hitch hiking right next to his parked car with a gas drum in his hands. I would have instantly and instinctively picked up the person in Colorado, but here I fought my conscience all the way up the hill justifying my rude and detached behavior as I passed him by. It's these daily battles that make the yearning humanity to reveal itself that much more difficult. The simple fact however, it that I simply have lost trust in all of mankind in it's most general and broad way.

Additional events that drive my ache for home are my own consciousness. Nightly I dream about opportunities to move back to Colorado, as if I tease myself into creating false plausibility for this to take place. At its worst, I catch brief rushes of the Colorado mountain air ravaging through my nostrils, and for a brief glimpse, I feel at home. At it's best, there are instances, split seconds where I feel I'm beginning to grasp the overall idea on the beneficial circumstances of me going through this experience.

I am left however with a new revelation in ideas and goals for life. I now see the extreme value in the most rudimentary of human traits, so I am growing a beard and refuse to cut my hair. Despite its obvious lack of genuine value, it does help me remain human in this desolate land of aesthetic gimmicks which poorly try and replace human values. Additionally, you'll be happy to hear my new goal is to grow my family, by having another baby, and buy a house. It's time, now, more than ever to embrace the fact that my soul craves simplicity and genuine human experiences and happiness. It's time to come home, just now I'm working on it, and hopefully in the spring, as the flowers of life blossom and begin their temporal bloom, I'll be headed over the rocky mountains, coming back to my roots, and my family. I love you all.

Jed Salazar

Leaving You.. Again

So yesterday, I left you and Mariana... again.

Leaving you and my daughter the first time was a bit surreal and definitely unpredictable. Only being gone a week and the massive overwhelming new amount of information keeping me busy 25 hours a day, combined with the fact I was only gone for a week, didn't exactly illuminate the full breadth of pain that was to come. Then came the inevitable and even longer leaving, 2 weeks alone in my new "home", Santa Monica. The joy and excitement of this phenominal opportunity was almost immediately soured and underscored by the realization that you and my daughter weren't there. Evey morning I arose under a shadow of a bit of depression.

That was a silly premise for yesterday. After spending a couple of weeks away from you and Mariana I returned to your moms house truly feeling like a stranger. I was at odds with a bout of insecurities because I wasn't the focal center of attention. I was a tad bitter at all the attention you were giving your mom, Tim, and Keith. Childish jealousy? You don't say. ;) This propelled the bad feelings. It was an odd situation. I felt like I was seriously just a visitor. I apologize for the bitterness that ensued.

All that leads up to the fact that leaving you again, made me feel even more like an odd man out and outsider. This weekend will be exactly what we need, some time alone. Some time to remind me that I'm yours and you're mine. Even though Mariana won't be there, some time together, even if chaotic in the midst of a unpacking frenzy, will an invaluable paradise. So, all that said, this is just passing feelings I didn't know would happen and admittedly derive from my own internal loneliness and feelings like this is my move and not my family's move. This weekend will hopefully work to remedy those silly feelings.

Oh baby, how I miss you so much. Hurry up and get down here. Make this my home, and give me my life back. I love you, and I thought you were owed an explanation after my actions over the weekend. Please forgive me, and come spend a weekend with your hubby!

Your Jed.

California makes me appreciate Boulder

Oh boy what I wouldn't give for another weekend in Boulder. I can picture it, a trip to Whole Foods for breakfast and coffee, taking Mariana to the park for a bike ride, followed by a movie at the theaters and finally dinner at say.... Turley's. But let me tell you, all those things would be empty without you and Mariana. Boulder was Boulder because of you, not because of Boulder.

That said, today as the business and the responsibilities of finding a house come to a close, I sit in silent solitude, contemplating you and my baby daughter. I can't wait to see you, and I hope you don't think that's an idle thing I'm saying, I literally can't wait. I will be one happy, happy man, flying home this coming weekend!

So what can I say about the places I saw? Meh. That's the overall word. Meh. So perhaps California is the best place in the world to live. For sure, there's millions of immigrants and is the heaviest populated American city, but from what I gather, the beautiful life is only up for grabs if you have the big bucks. The Venice canals and so many beautiful areas of Santa Monica seemingly are in areas with the worst schools. Ugh, what a blow. How can such a beautiful and wealthy area carry such little value for a valuable, quality education. Perhaps another testement to our long term goal of moving to Europe for Mariana's education, and I suppose I'm on the right track for that.

Past that, overall I guess I'm pretty happy, or about as happy as you could be without the fabric of your genuine happiness. So I guess a ghost lives in this apartment, a lost wanderer, searching for nothing, as the greatest possession is already won, it's just a thousand miles away. This ghost moves about this hustling and bustling city, alone, in spirit and in fulfillment. Perhaps California will truly be the magical city it's labeled as as soon as it's dazzled with the joyous faces of my two girls.

You're loving and dedicated hubby, signing off and blowing you long traveling blowed kisses.

Homesick

As the 3rd day here comes to a close, I find myself missing you more, not any less. I try more and more to concentrate on work and therefore I wanted to make sure I attended the necessary social events, and honestly I've met some amazing people, but overall the people in this city and their attitude pains me knowing I'm bringing you both here. It makes me feel filled wit terrible guilt, as seemingly the people at work are phenomenal, but the other people I meet have this automatic animosity. This guilt that fills me makes me consider how unfair it is for you to have to search out a job, and change your whole life, for me. I'm both humbled and saddened. You're so amazing, and I know as soon as you arrive most of my issues will crumble into nothingness, but I really wish that I could provide a life out here where you don't have to work.

But wow, am I homesick. I miss Mariana and you so much that waking up in the morning is a difficult task. When I wake up, I look around and there's no you, there's no Mariana, no Mariana's voice or the sound of a shower, or your smell, no little pitter pats running around my house and calling me daddy. My life is truly empty here. I just want to come home now. I feel completely without power, without motivation, and without hope, without you.